Teppanyaki; i.e. A one-way ticket to Frown Town.

Everybody's always like, "Let's do teppanyaki! It's so good and you can eat all this meat and there's sauce and it's just the best." To which I say, no. No it's not. It's regrettable at best.

If you aren't familiar teppanyaki is an eating experience where you sit around a big grill and the chef juggles the food you're going to eat and you sit there and pretend to enjoy yourself. Lots of people like it.

Here are my issues:

• Authenticity. The only thing really Japanese about teppanyaki is the name, which translates to "iron-plate grill". I don't think they even exist in Japan. Japanese people have yakiniku, which rules.
• The food. Mountains of grilled meat and vegetables that have been smothered in oil and made airborne. You do have the option to drench your food in a nondescript "white sauce." What is that stuff? Why is it never refrigerated? Shouldn't there not be a better name for it than "white sauce"?
• The price. Expensive. $20-$25. See all other bullet points.
• The show. I don't want to pay someone with a lampshade on their head to throw food at my face. Read the Wikipedia description of what goes on under "In North America". Is someone making fun of us? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teppanyaki
• The crowd. You sit next to a stranger and at the same time next to the person you came with so you have to talk while staring in another direction. And if you go with a group, there's an excellent chance you'll sit next to someone you don't know while attempting to scream across the quadrangle of fire to talk to someone that you do. Just get comfortable staring at your napkin.   

But seriously, it's popular. If you want to go for your birthday, I will go with you. I would never say no to free food. You're paying, right? 

This should sum it all up for you.